3 months to the day.. and it feels like only yesterday I was picking myself up off the floor…
When it comes to relationships people often say, look out for the cheaters or liars or drunks. Etc. Those are a walk in the park. It is the narcissist you must fear. I never thought someone could pull the wool over my eyes and change the very essence of my being but it happened.
The man I met and fell in love with last year was a fiction based character. A stand in for the truth. This narcissist knew exactly what kind of man I needed and set out to invent a character based on that man.
He knew to pay enough attention and filled my head with all I wanted to hear. Assertive, attentive and caring. You ask yourself how you could be so lucky. And then you move in soon and he has you right where he needs you. He never really loved me, because men like him don’t know how to love anyone but themselves. But he would act like he does so that he can start controlling me. As time passed I start to feel that hes abusing me but he was so good at lying, apologizing and manipulating me that I began ignoring my intuition and felt his ugly behaviour was because of something I must have done. So I started making excuses for him and I was hooked and brainwashed so he could use me for all he could get. When he realised he was losing his hold on his possession, he channeled his verbal and emotional abuse into a fury of physical abuse. As traumatic as being repeatedly beaten by someone you love, by hands that once caressed you, now fists and kicks, it gave me the strength to walk away that moment and never look back. Do I still love him? Of course, I am human. Do I forgive him? I cannot, even if I would have received an apology. But I am grateful to be free of him. I can breathe. I was taken to the deepest depth of hell with that man but portrayed a fairytale to the outside, I guess I just really wanted him to be who I fell inlove with and couldnt fathom that that person never existed and it was all a lie.
✳Always speak up. ✳Do not suffer in silence. ✳Abuse is abuse, be it emotional, verbal or physical.
Abuse has no gender, it has no race.
I got out, but many aren’t that lucky. There is help. There is support. Domestic Violence is real and could be happening right next door.